Wilder Tribe

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We are a family and a community unto ourselves. Click on an image below to find out more about who we each are and what we are about.

Mariner

Malachite

beth

Marty

Gavain

kaseja

kaseja wrote the article below for Talking Leaves magazine in February 2005.

What are family values? Obviously i can only tell you about my family. And that's exactly what i say to my kids: these are our family values; this is what we believe and build on. Other people believe different things and maybe we don't agree, but we have the right to believe the way we do, so we support other people to have that right, too.

Our extended family is quite large because we don't define it in the typical way. And if you asked any one of us who is in our family the list would probably vary a bit. There is me (the Mama), Marty (the Da), and 2 children Malachite and RainErain. In addition we love many people and include them in our list of family. My niece, Elizabeth, lived with us for many years; RainyErain and Malachite still consider her their sibling. Other regular family members include my beloved, ming san, our beth, family in Berkeley: Marc, robin, Eileen, Naomi and Anya. The kids also have 6 grandmothers (2 are lesbians) a grandfather, aunts, uncles and cousins.

At the core, i would say our strongest family value is love. We speak of it daily, loving each other and exploring the concept. We often talk about the idea that when people are "mean" or difficult to deal with in some way that they simply need to be loved. We strive to choose love over aggression or distancing ourselves. Marty and i have worked hard to let go of old family patterns that we grew up with involving yelling, shaming and spanking. We want our kids to feel love from us and for themselves so we teach and practice self love and acceptance wherever possible. We encourage the children to choose what they wear, and have many dress up choices, too. We give them regular opportunities for art (drawing, collage making, playdough) and body expression (trampoline jumping, running, dance). We believe these things help people of all ages stay in touch with the intrinsic nature of who we are and we want that for our kids. At this young age, we also believe that these kinds of explorations literally help their brains grow. We teach the Golden Rule. We teach that service for others helps keep us in a kind and compassionate place.

One of the things that Marty and i have modeled is that it's ok to express your gender however it feels right to you: Marty is transgendered. Malachite is fond of dresses and identifies as a girl occasionally (to be clear, Kite often is simply a boy in a dress). RainErain is steadfastly refusing to be in any gender box. About the time Rain was old enough to identify gender, Rain wrote 3 songs: one was "I am not a woman or a man". Today Rain's preferred gender pronoun is the same as it's been for the better part of 6 months: "you can say she, or you can say he or you can say ze, but I WANT you to say RAIN"; so Rain it is. I am the oddball in my immediate family: a woman who was born female. I love it that our family embraces diversity in gender expression. I want my kids to fully express themselves and be free inside and outside. However they ultimately decide to express their gender is not relevant to me; it's simply exciting to see that this open attitude around gender has allowed them to play with this aspect of our lives that seems so rigid to most of us.

kaseja, Rain, Marty and Kite celebrate Shabbat, Channukah and Kwanzaa all on the same night

One of the ways we have worked to create a warm loving family environment is through the use of ritual. We regularly dance under the full moon light. At Candlemas we light every candle in the house. Passover is honored with our Jewish friends as we celebrate the liberation of the Jewish people. Shabbat and Sukkot have also figured prominently, as well as other Jewish rituals and celebrations. In December we regularly celebrate Solstice, Kwanzaa, Christmas and Channukah. Halloween is special to the kids; they look forward to the candy all year. We also celebrate birthdays and often give the passing of the years special significance (ie: when you are 2 you get to have peanut butter). Our daily rituals include regular affirmations of love, many hugs, bedtime snack, stories and cuddles. More or less weekly, we walk in nature, accomplish some tasks or chores (in our house or on the land), go to the library, visit grandma, or practice writing and math. We are starting a homeschooling program with our children now, fostering good habits and making plenty of space for learning.

In our family, we encourage using our words and discourage yelling, name calling or physical boundary crossing of any kind. Sometimes we forget and in those times our ideal is to gently remind each other that our family is about love. We also remind each other of ways to love our Mother Earth and we are maintaining our goal of getting better week by week, month by month finding ways to live on this beautiful planet of ours that sustains us so lovingly.

I find it interesting that however close i felt to my loved ones and community before having children, that having children really "brought home" the family aspect. There is something about creating a space to nurture children in that really made it more of a family for me. I'm not saying people can't be family without children, i don't think that is true, but for me, having children made family much more concrete.

I think i'll end this article with words from our RainErain regarding our family: "We are a loving family; Favoo!"