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Beltane 2007 by Marty, July 2007
I know it's two months later but better late than never. I just had to record this event in reflection. It was too strong a turning to let pass by without honoring on these venerable pages.
Mariner, Marty and Kite at Beltane 2007 |
The theme for me this year was something along the lines of "To thine whole self be true." I relaized that up until now, I have had a tendency to separate myself into different communities and cultures to embrace all of the many aspects of who I am. Some of it is pretty naturally occurring in our North American culture, like separate work and home spheres. But with me, there was also the division between my gay self and my dad self and my whatever I am in relationship with beth self. I don't really have a straight self. When I'm focused on the kids, I really do take on a certain dad persona that obliterates all else. I'm not sure what to call who I am in relationship to beth because we both hold ourselves outside of gender and that pulls the rug out from underneath all the common classifications. But my typical relationship to Wolf Creek Sanctuary and Beltane has been to hold this as a safe harbor for me to be fully immersed in my gay self.
This year, instead of feeling a sense of freedom in "coming home" to my gay retreat space, it felt sad and confining to me. I am so in love with beth and with Kite and Mariner. In the past years, I had felt safer to show up at Wolf Creek alone so that I wouldn't have to field people's misconceptions about who I am and whether or not I am available based on who I show up with. Two things that were different this year are: a) I wanted to be my whole self at Beltane with my family all around me and b) I'm not as available as I had once wanted to present myself to be. I might have been a little more available last year, but even then I was somewhat kidding myself. One thing I learned from my attempt to develop a connection with Dimitri is that I really don't have much left over after being a dad, living in community, and building a solid partnership with beth. So, this year beth and I came early and brought the kids. Then kaseja and Gavain came on Sunday and picked the kids up, leaving beth and I to celebrate the May Pole ceremony.
Kite and Mariner making giant bubbles |
Arriving at the sanctuary with my whole family felt at once grounding and uplifting. Instead of worrying about what other people would think of me, I was free to be in my absolute joy. Joy with the kids making giant bubbles on the meadow. Joy with beth laughing, lounging, loving life. It's so funny from this perceptive to witness the whole posing thing. I laugh at myself. We spend so much energy trying to make ourselves beautiful, attractive, desirable. But the very posing is what blocks us from our most beautiful and natural presentations of ourselves. When I just let go of worrying what other people and be myself, that is the most beautiful I can be. People at the gathering so appreciated our presence as a loving, open family. Not only were we expressing our own queer family expression and acceptance. The fact that we brought our kids to the gathering affirmed the presence and expression of all the other faeries. A few fae were nearly moved to tears to be witnessed positively by children and have that openly accepted and encouraged by their parents.
Evie called a small heart circle for our little circle of friends and he invited the kids. Even though it was probably boring for them in its content, I think it really did help them integrate and feel like they had a place at this gathering. They didn't want to leave and they definitely want to come back.
After the kids left, I felt so happy to celebrate with beth and deepen with her. We took workshops together that helped us open up to ourselves and dissolve the barriers between ourselves and others at the gathering. I felt more at home, more genuine and natural than I ever have at the Sanctuary. For her part, beth went back and forth between taking private sanctuary time to herself, reading a book and being grounded, and being social. We both got more into the festivities on May Day itself.
beth in her ribbons and feathers |
We went through the drag closet and skipped about even though it began to look like rain. The ribbon crew was taking a long time to prepare the pole for its procession, and so we both jumped in to help.
The faerie in Marty comes out |
I also felt closer to our little circle of friends. It wasn’t the same as last Beltane, which felt more like a party. This year, it was like coming home to old friends. Dean, Evie, Reid, Bridge, even Aster who I barely knew all seemed to mirror back to me a sense of knowing one another, feeling relaxed in each other’s presence.
Evie and Marty |
Evie, Reid, beth and I stayed in the clean and sober space after the May Pole Dance and spent the night there. It was like a grade school slumber party. Some other people joined us, including Stella Maris and Sprout. We played games, told stories and gossiped late into the night. Dean joined us in the morning, on his birthday.
Dean the Beltane Birthday Boy |
I always look forward to seeing this gang again year after year. But the difference this year was having the sense of continued connection in between. Already, I’ve seen Dean and Evie, gone to Aster and Riley’s union ceremony, been visited by Peacock/Shaggy and stuff like that. I like the sense of a slowly growing network of family. I’ve been experiencing that with Mitch, too. Comparatively speaking, intentional community seems very happenstance. But friendships that are inspired by a sense of camaraderie and companionship and grow deeper over time, now that’s community.
Reid and beth taking it easy |
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