Wilder Tribe
Home . Sustainable Living . Queer Stuff . Alternative Parenting . Webmail . Contact Us
Archives:
 So happy to have gotten my hair cut |
I'm all about change. My life is full of it and it doesn't seem to slow down any as I get older. I just love how I feel as I come more and more into myself, and how that seems to ground me more in my connections with others.
My most significant change was transitioning from female to male five years ago. But I continue to notice changes in myself. When I left home at 17 to go to college, there was so much to learn. I focused intently on myself and tried to figure out who I was. Then as I began embracing relationships with women, I hurled myself outward and tried to master the delicate art of forging intimate connections. Then when I made the decision to have kids and transition to living my life as a man, or more accurately as a father, a funny thing happened. I paid attention to myself and focused inward, but in doing so, I tapped into a more reliable stream of connection with others. I've come to place that feels cleaner, more honest and deeply meaningful.
The words I used to use to describe myself, though still true, feel empty and bit awkward, like a cheesy sweater that a distant family member sends you as a gift. Polyamorous, bisexual, FTM (female to male), working class, faggy, alternative parent. I find myself turning towards words that describe my ways of being in the world. Playful, sincere, light-hearted, internal processer with an abundance of love to share and a passion for everyday pleasures. The same unconditional attentiveness I display that makes you feel comfortable, wholy accepted, and wonderfully affirmed can also make you feel completely disregarded when it is focused somewhere else. I'm working on expanding my awareness around this.
I feel incredibly lucky to have the life I have. I chose things that seem backwards by some people's standards. Becoming trans because I was not entirely comfortable as a woman. Quitting my well-paid secure tech job to join an intentional community and work for minimum wage. Sell my 2000 Honda Odyssey in perfect mechanical condition for a 1982 Mercedes diesel wagon with lots of little things that don't work. Yet with each choice, I can feel myself getting closer to a hidden truth, to a reality I can excavate from beneath all the societal influence and carve out as my very own purpose in life. How fulfilling.
There are days that don't feel that way. Sometimes I feel like a disappointment, sometimes to others but most often to myself. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with all the responsibilities and tasks I have taken on. Or if I'm already getting into this state, any crack my kids make or challenge they throw my way just sets me off. But those days are coming less and less frequently.
My best lesson for myself these days is to take time for myself. I can get so caught up in my roles and responsibilities to my kids, my community, my job, my lovers, even my bank account demands my attention. But if I can wake up in the morning and start out doing something just for me -- work out with stretches and exercises, write in my journal, meditate or daydream -- then the whole rest of my day goes much smoother.