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Summer is coming to a close and fall is moving in. The kids have started school. Beth is about to start her first year as an adjunct instructor. I feel a nesting instinct coming. I want to shed outside responsibilities and focus on home.

The bluest lake I ever saw

You know, when I reach these points of retrospect, it can be tricky to simply observe and not judge. I look at myself and immediately these yard sticks pop up next to me ready to see how I measure up. There's the activist yard stick, the ecology yard stick, the queer one and the good dad one. No matter what, I can always find one to show me how I come up short. But if I just look at me and forget the measurements, I like what I see. If I try to describe it, I need to use categories and descriptors that automatically plot me on some measurable scales. Like I am a white transmale in a monogamous partnership with a woman with two kids and cat. But at the same time, I'm still a radical queer FTM in an alternative family. I used to tack that disclaimer on as a defense, you know, to say "Hey wait, don't discredit me yet just because I look generic. I really am queer." But now I say it as a wry observation more along the lines of "Just go ahead and try me on as your average white guy. I know you will find surprises." It's like coming to a comfort place with all the complexities of me. Beth would like to say that I'm growing up. But I don't want to imply that the snapshot of me today is in any way superior to pictures of who I have been. I certainly don't want to indicate that anyone who is radical, poly, activist or whatever will eventually settle down and get married when they finally "grow up."

I have to admit, this whole monogamy thing threw me for a loop. I didn't think it was for me. I've identified as polyamorous for nearly 20 years. For me, it wasn't about shaking up the system or defying patriarchy or even really about sex. It just always felt natural to me that love would be open and understanding and honest. I never felt a need to put limiting constraints on love. Practical logistical constraints, yes, like how many people I really have time to maintain a relationship with and how much energy I have for communication and processing. But although I understood it is important for many people, I never personally felt like I get anything out of fidelity. So as Beth and I fell in love with each other more and more, at first I just maintained that she would need to be OK with having an open relationship if she wants to be with me. It didn't matter if I was or was not seeing anyone else at the time, it was the principle of the thing and wanting to have the doors open in case something new came up. It took me a while to realize that I was holding onto the principle more than being honest about what was real for me in the present. I'm not looking for anything new. I'm in love. I have a great partnership. What I really want is to focus my energy on building up what we have and making something really solid between us. For Beth, it really does mean something to say "I choose you and I set you apart as my partner." I needed time to realize that I won't lose my identity by making a monogamous commitment to someone I love so deeply, that I don't need to have sex with other people to feel like I'm a good lover, and that changing my choice about how I live my life doesn't necessarily change my nature.

So what is it that I want to solidify? The older I get, the less I care about that what and the more I care about the how. It's a certain quality of life that I want to co-create with Beth. I want a home that feels like home - that's nurturing and inviting and feels good. I want to create a mission together and carry it out. I've been feeling a shift in myself lately to take direction, to gather up the skills and resources that I've gained over the years and positively apply it to my own initiatives. It's a shift from helper/learner to doer/teacher. It might be a while before I really get there, but I feel this compulsion to get busy, to stop doing things that distract me from my vision (which is still somewhat obtuse and coming more into focus as I go along).

Me with Mariner and Kite with their backpacks ready for the first day of school