kaseja on Wilder Tribe

here we are at our friend George's house relaxing and catching up on our rest before fully joining back up with our Oregon life. it's been a restful visit. George took care of my old dog Huck while we were traveling and she looks glossy and happy from all the attention. i'm glad her old bones were taken care of while i was gone.

the last few months have blessed me considerably. i finished my 40 days of affirmations and did notice a change of abundance in my life, for which i am grateful. i have come up with new affirmations and i would like to share them with you and what they mean to me.

My life is a study of the universe.
this is about being present, seeing what is, participating with my whole self and seeing how i am a part of it all; indeed how i even help create it. it's seeing the beauty and perfection in all that's around me,and when it doesnt feel beautiful or perfect to be with that until it's perfection manifests.
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I love my body, it is a temple of god.
using the word god in it's loosest, most composite form (i have defined god in the past, so i wont go into that here, but you can substitute spirit, or universe, or goddess, or jesus or anything else that works for you), this affirmation encourages me to love myself in the shape i am in right now. it's also about being aware of what i put into my body. sometimes i do this affirmation even when i'm eating "junk" food to remind myself to continue to strive toward making nourishing choices. i made a belly bracelet with 3 beautiful beads on it to remind myself to love my body. i love how the beads came into my life: the story is a little too boring, but it was a wonderful case of serendipity and i love the little scarab beetle with the ankh on the other side.
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When i notice i am acting from my personality, i find a way to be present.
there are so many times in my life when i am fussing over something really inconsequential. have you read Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (and It's All Small Stuff)? That's what i'm talking about. and it's related to the first affirmation, too, because when i am staying present, i'm staying out of my personality, because i am keeping a wide perspective.
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I recognize that I am not me.
this one re-emphasizes, in a different way, that i am really a part of this universe. i am connected to you, to my mother, to my friend Emma, to Gavain , to everyone and everything because we are all a part of this universe and we are calling this big and mysterious thing into being every moment. this one keeps me out of small mind.
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It is impossible for me to have any needs or unfulfilled desires.
i am growing into this one: in my last series of affirmations, i had one that was very like this. it suggested that when we were undeniably connect to our source, it was impossible to have any needs or unfulfilled desires because we are so connected to all that is and because we can recognize that it all happens at once anyway. when i work with this affirmation, i notice that usually when i feel desire, or unfulfilled, it's because i have an idea of what will happen (or what happened in the past) and that Right Now, i actually am free. being totally present is the key, again.
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Divine creative energy pours easily and effortlessly from my being. i am now in the flow.
i dont think this one needs explanation.
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god is right here
being aware that being totally present is the key to being totally alive.

now that i only have 7 affirmations, i can do them anytime, i'm not dependant on a piece of paper. i like this series, it feels like it keeps me connect to what is really important.

Gavain and i went to Florida again with the kids this year. it was wonderful to be a part of his family. we discovered a 1.25 mile boardwalk over a wetlands near Zoe's house (his sister) and we went there often and took many wonderful photos of the incredible birds. You can view our pictures by going to our website ( www.idproject.us) and clicking on photos. The "creatures" set has mostly birds from Green Cay wetlands, but we will be adding to that set ( Flickr will only let us have 3 sets so for now we're going to have just the 3). if you like to look at pictures, keep checking our website, because we plan to upload regularly.

we also got to visit the manatees again. Gavain's dad gifted us with a trip to west Florida. We got to go with our friend Emma and that was wonderful in so many ways. i feel deeper in love with Emma, and Kite and Emma bonded as well. we rented a boat and snorkel gear and got to swim with these peaceful creatures and touch them. snorkeling for the first time was an adventure for me, i had to work at convincing myself that i could really breathe underwater. and as i was in the process of letting go whether or not i would see manatees (much less touch them) i turned around and there was one just a few feet from me. it took my breath away! i had to remind myself that these creatures are incapable of hurting anyone or anything. it was so large it was a little frightening. Kite had a similar experience. Gavain and i got to roll around a bit with a calf (they stay with their mothers for 3 years and this one looked about 2 years old). We also saw wonderful pelicans, cormorants and other birds as well as a cold katydid that let us hold it and maybe a wild pig. Gavain has been inspired to dream of owning and living on a boat in some tropical climate. i am wondering how parenting Kite and Mariner fit into that. i'm looking forward to seeing how it all works out.

someone looked me up on tribe, followed that to our website and called me for a life coach counseling session, so it seems my practice is building slowly. i do love doing this work, and i feel i am helpful to others. that is so satisfying! i feel grateful that i am given what i need to reach out to others in this way. more and more often i feel a strong sense of being led by divine inspiration. that is the single, most important aspect of my life.

on the home front: Kite is turning into a tweener and his reading is improving vastly. Mariner, too, is settling down a little, and he seemed quite excited when i told him i saw him as an ethereal being. beth and Marty enjoyed their travels into California and they all made it through visiting Marty's family of origin (you know how those "meet the family" times can be a little nerve wracking). beth and the kids are settling into their school routines and Marty got a new job doing bookkeeping and IT work that he can do mostly at home working with a Watershed Council.

Life is good, i love you all and am grateful for how you have contributed to my life, large and small. if you want to see past blogs you can find them at http://www. wildertribe.org/people/kaseja.html i'll be posting this blog on there soon. and we are constantly updating our website, so be sure to check in there once in awhile. the blurred picture of an egret that's now on the front page was taken by me at Green Cay, we think it's beautiful.

love to you all. i hope spirit is singing through your life! i leave you with some words from Rumi:

We listen to words so we can silently reach into the other. --Rumi

love,
kaseja

November 2007

Dear Friends,

so much can happen in 5 months! my vision has changed so much: that is the most exciting news. some weeks ago i realized the most important way for me to be in the world was to be fully aware of god in each moment. what i mean by that is to be fully aware of namaste between me and everyone and everything i encounter. namaste: being aware of the light within me and seeing the light within you: knowing that within that light we are one. i feel really excited by this vision. i feel it's possible for me to achieve this awareness in my life time. i feel it, deep in my soul, that this is the kind of awareness we all are coming to. i think of it as conscious evolution.

on a daily basis i am having a visceral spiritual experience of being aware that we all are from the light (god, Universe, spirit, goddess...) and are ineluctably headed back there. But at the same time, we ARE there -- human beings having a spiritual experience-- i just love paradoxes, dont you? We're headed there and we are there. I'm in alignment with Ram Dass on this point (Grist for the Mill) this is not just something i believe, it's something that i am experiencing: i am living it.

recently the whole wildertribe and a few associates went to Florence to visit a friend. while there, i was feeling challenged in my pursuit of sensuality. i'm still trying to find the way through this labyrinth; some paths innate, some laid down for me in the context of my sexual experiences in my childhood. in the middle of the night i became agitated and left the house to go to the van to see if i could sleep there (i couldnt). some days later i was in the van in Eugene with Gavain telling him about by experience and i said "i went to the van and while i was there, um here, well, here and there...hey! we live in a paradox, here and there can refer to different places at the same time!" that was fun: paradoxes make my brain feel good.

in this moment, it seems a little hard to recap what i've been doing these last 5 months. it seems i've been doing a lot of being present, and you know how much time that takes: practically all the time available! let's see....

last summer, while Gavain and i were talking to a couple of friends who were struggling with jealousy issues we decided to schedule a satsang---a discussion and exploration held in a spiritual fashion, community style. (for a longer definition of satsang go to our website (www.idproject.us); under "Services" click on "Satsangs and gatherings".) we called our satsang 'Jealousy on the Road to Freedom' and we figured it would be a small gathering--maybe 6 people including ourselves. we unexpectedly packed Audrey's yurt with 25 people that night. after a few ice-breaking preliminaries, we led guided meditations encouraging those present to connect to their true selves--the place inside where we know we are loveable and worthy. we also encouraged everyone to take a few moments to connect with, honor and make friends with their 'shadow' side. the rest of the evening was given over to group discussion, satsang style.

we did another satsang this month called 'Discerning Truth in Judgment'; beginning the evening in a similar way. we then did an exercise where we were invited to let 2 other people embody our judgment while we stayed in touch with the strength inside ourselves. i re-remembered that when i accept that i have judgment, it brings so much space into the situation (as opposed to when i resist, or even judge, my judgment). i learned that i can consider judgment as a kind of empathy: "i can relate to you and imagine myself in your position, but i would make Very Different choices!" it had never occurred to me to think of judgment as empathy. i also learned (or remembered) that judgment comes up for me when i am attempting to have control over a situation. if i remember that control is an illusion, it helps the judgment float in a larger space. all in all, i remember to take myself (and my judgment) so much less seriously and just see it as a phenomenon passing through this being currently called kaseja.

Heart of Now is in the process of differentiating from Lost Valley. i'm still not sure how it's going to look, but i think it's a good move. it feels right. i feel a little sad for Lost Valley, but it seems to be the general direction Lost Valley is going in. meanwhile, i am still coordinating the assistant team (which i really enjoy) and facilitating the course regularly (which i really love). i see Heart of Now principals really helping people get in touch with practices that lead to more alive and fuller lives. i really love being a part of this program.

i am beginning to build my practice. i held 3 sessions in 3 weeks this month! i am confident that i can build a name for myself as someone who can help people come to clarity in their lives and with others and find way to be more fully alive. i'm calling my business Nurturing the Light Within.

i have stopped working for Home Instead and now have a private client--i work for a woman who's mother is in her 90's and has Alzheimer's. i have a family feel for these new women in my life and i care about my client very much. i feel relieved to be able to use my excellent caregiving skills straight from my heart, rather than needing to sieve them through a mask of professionalism that was required as a Home Instead CareGiver. dont get me wrong, i'm not knocking Home Instead, they were a great company to work for and i appreciate the service they are providing in this area. for many situations, i would recommend them whole heartedly. but i am enjoying the closeness i enjoy with the family i am working with and also the fact that my schedule is more flexible.

news about the kids: Kite is doing great on improving his reading. he turned 8 last week; he's totally a great kid and he really looks like an 8 year old. sometimes he looks 14. wow; that's really all i can say about that. Mariner and Kite both enjoy their new school; they're in the local public school this year, and they both like their teachers. but Mariner seems to be exhibiting some regressive behavior at home, and i think he's feeling somewhat pressured to be 'together' and 'on' at school. Gavain and i have been striving to create restorative time for him at home by having him play by himself, or hang out with one or both of us, or play with only 1 child. i also have the feeling that he's on the verge of a developmental leap which is contributing to his disequilibrium. ah! the life of a parent!

other tidbits:

Marty and beth had an engagement party last month. they are planning a fall wedding.
Marty turned 40! he's looking for work in Eugene as a bookkeeper or accountant.
beth is pursuing a Masters degree at UofO (English as a second language).
i got a passport!
ming san is living in Sacramento with Shaina. we are exchanging Meaningful emails, for which i am grateful.
i'm doing a series of affirmations having to do with gratitude and prosperity that i plan to do for 40 consecutive days...i'm on day 23! if you want to see my affirmations, let me know.

inspiring books i have recently read: Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life (a workbook), the first 4 novels in a series by Diana Gabaldon (the fifth one i dont like so much), A Year With Rumi (Coleman Barks).

O, friends, i have to tell you: i love my life! i love our van!! see pictures on our website! (www.idproject.us); the last subject under Services is Current Projects: if you click on that, you'll see pictures of our van and learn about how we run it on oil.

i Adore living with Gavain! we continue to support each other to be our full selves, our true beings in every way. it's awesome! we are completely free with each other at are totally devoted to each other as well. it's the best it's ever been.

we love our website! (can you tell?) check out our blog on relationships, too! (click on links...The Naked Now What is the first link).

i hope spirit is singing through your lives. write and tell me what's up with you!

namaste,
kaseja

i closed the last Heart of Now workshop with this poem from Rumi:

Oh soul
you worry too much
you have seen your own strength
you have seen your own beauty
you have seen your golden wings
of anything less
why do you worry?
you are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.
-Rumi

June 2007

Hello Everyone!

Things have actually been pretty hard for me, but in a fit of trust in the universe, i am finding a break in the clouds to write to you all and share my dreams and my vision. I am learning how to trust even when things can appear bleak: something that is a good thing to get skilled at! I'm grateful for my lessons and how they afford me to be even better at loving those around me.

Gavain and i have built a wonderful website (oh! do check it out at www.idproject.us) and are extending ourselves out into the world and the universe with our unique gifts and love. We are reaching out to everyone we know and a bunch of people we don't know, too, for people to inspire, and people to help us create a world of love and caring.

We read about this guy that wanted a house, so he started with a red paper clip and, during a series of exchanges, he traded up for a house. He did it in 14 trades in one year (find out more here). What is most interesting about Kyle MacDonald is not that he has a house for a paper clip, but that he set out for something he wanted and he connected people to the adventure of what is possible in the face of the unlikely. So much is possible for us, and when we love and help each other out a little, amazing things can happen.

Gavain and i are living the reality that there is so much more to this universe than what we can see with our eyes. We know that in each of us is a Divine essential being that not only deserves love and witnessing, but that by loving each other and seeing each other in our essential nature, we are literally creating our universe as it unfolds. The way to knowing this is so simple, even if it's not easy sometimes. Being aware of our bodies, our breath, the present moment are keys to realizing our truest dreams and visions.

So, in a moment, i'm going to share with you my vision, i hope it can inspire you. And i want you to join us by sending us $2. Yes, just $2 (you can make this contribution with your credit card through our website or mail it to us at 81868 Lost Valley Lane, Dexter, OR 97431). We figure if we can get 100,000 people to send us $2 we can buy a small piece of property near Eugene where we can set up a community of chickens and goats hosting a garden and some humans to love each other and hold space for gatherings; where we can learn to love each other and the universe into being. This is an experiment and an adventure into the unknown that we can travel together. Right now we have $3. Only 99,997 to go. It's really not too much to ask. What do you dream about? What would you like to ask of the Universe?

We hope that you will join us on the adventure, even if you don't send us $2. Keep track of what we are doing by checking out our website!

I hope love is strong in your life and that you are realizing every day how your essential being is loved by the universe. Thank you for being here.

Love to you all.
kaseja

Our vision:
We affirm we will live in a family/community with 4 to 6 other people (mostly women) on enough land to allow for chickens, goats, fruit trees, gardens, a pond and spaciousness. Our vision includes a caring environment where we practice being transparent with each other, seeing past personality to our essential nature and dedication to understanding many different layers of reality including (but not limited to) the awareness that we are all one; that our lives are all congregating toward the same destination (which also could be called spirit or god or the universe or the light).

We also envision work that we love that is meaningful, creative and contributes deeply to the world and motivates us to contribute even more. We love working with people, doing what we can to inspire them to be in touch with their divine essential nature. We envision enough resources in our lives to do our work well and live simply. (You can see what kind of things we are offering by checking out our website.)

We will have a home that we invite others to for gatherings that promote our well being, our sense of connection to ourselves, each other and spirit and see how connected those three (seemingly separate) entities are. We see our community laughing, crying, singing, praying, making music, planning and doing projects together. We see intimate sharing of our dreams and visions, our resources and our physical space. We see our home being a vibrant place that welcomes guests and family. We see a space that Mariner and Kite love to be: where they are loved, celebrated and engaged.

We pray to spirit to call us to the places that will guide us toward this shared vision. We state by our names and spirit that we are worthy and capable of this vision and that if can start to happen this week and major parts of this vision will be in place by the end of 2008.

March 2007

Hi Everybody,

I sure would like to let you know that the workshops Karly and i have been leading on women's' sacred sexuality have been amazing. At the last one we had the beautiful theme of "how can you love yourself even more?" and i know that it has affected my life as i have worked and played with that in the days that followed. I wrote, "i love you just the way you are" on my bathroom mirror, and every time i see it i whisper to myself "yeah, you, i love you!" It feels good to be exercising self love. It feels good to be in a circle of women, striving to be true to ourselves and real in the world and with each other. Yeah!!! If you are a woman and want to know when the circles are happening, write and tell me and i'll put you on our email list.

It sure is easier to write when i'm feeling at the top of the whole world and at the expanding edge of the universe: what do i do when i feel like i belong in a cave, curled up as small as possible, feeling at odds with the world and myself? Well, let's find out. Read on, read on!

Besides my increasing bond with Gavain, i am considering leaving my community in June, and that's bringing it's own set of upsets along for the ride. I have decided to let the 'what if's' and logistics go for now, (especially since i'm not even sure that i am leaving) and try to get to the root of my distress and love it unconditionally and accept myself. Just recently, i had the idea to try and find ways to sort of put it on one of the back burners so it's not so front and center for me. Not that i want to ignore it, but sometimes i think i can inadvertently foster feelings that are not being helpful, so i am experimenting with not having them. (That's a joke that isn't a joke.)

February and March have been really difficult for me, and i think January had its challenges, too. Many of you might want to know what happened with the Florida trip: we got there, but because of trouble with the van, we were up against time constraints and needed to resort to flying. That was disappointing: we all wanted to make that cross-country trip on straight vegetable oil. The good news is that the van is running fine now on oil, it's wonderful to be driving down the road and know we being relatively nice to the environment. We are having a bit of trouble getting oil, but that's another story. Florida was amazing in many ways: the love shared in Gavain's family interfaced with mine was really beautiful. Gavain's sister, mother, and ex-step dad were all there and it was just like being home. I felt grateful to tears that we were both able to extend our families to include each other. Here's a conversation between Gavie's 5 year old nephew and Kite:

A: Do you believe in God?
K: No, I don't believe in God.
(A goes over to his brother and whispers "Did you hear that? He doesn't believe in God!)
A (to Kite): who do you think made your mother?
K: My grandmother made my mother.
A: Who do you think made your grandmother? Made the whole world?
K: um, there was a star and it blew up, or something like that.
A: God made the world!

The grownups had a fun time eavesdropping on that one.

Gavain and i got to touch manatees. I cried. I never thought i would be able to touch a manatee, and it really truly happened. We shared love with each other. Wow.

I also spent a lot of time with my children. A lot. I came home really burned out on being with them and i still haven't recovered. I imagine every parent feels burned out on their children sometimes. Is there a parent out there that doesn't feel guilty when they feel burned out on their children? I am not in that category. I love my kids so much, but i also have strong feelings of overwhelm when i am taking care of them. Thank goddess for Marty and beth!! Without other parents, i really do not know where i would be (and don't want to think about it). I don't know how single parents do it, i really don't. The way children are raised in this culture by their parents (and usually with little or no outside support) is truly insane. I'm lucky because i do have support, and some days i feel insane, anyway. If you don't have kids and you think you want them, I would advise you to think twice. Or better yet, borrow your friends kids for a couple a weeks to see what it's like, and then imagine you cant ever hand them back. Ever. Wow. It's heady.

So what has it been like the last few months? You're still reading, so i'm going to tell you. I have spent a lot of time crying in my bed. I have gone back and revisited some pretty traumatic sexual abuse memories and felt my body shake uncontrollably while i discharged the fear and pain associated with it. Sometimes i think fear can be intense sadness, and i have felt that when i'm doing this work. A lot of people have said that this must be the low after the high, since i was so energetic and high this summer. I don't know that i want to make that association, but i do know that i have felt pretty rotten.

As i lie in my bed wondering how i can make it different, i've been running through my options: look around me and be in the present moment; look at my ideas; breathe and accept myself; find some support, someone to talk to; good god, i teach this stuff, you'd think it could help me when i'm feeling down. Maybe it has helped but i sure have been struggling. I have said more times than i care to think about , "I wish i could just disappear." How do i reach out in these circumstances? I do my best, i know it's easier for me than it is for many to be transparent about what is happening for me. I have been told that this is helpful to others. I do find that i feel judged by others; whether this is real or imagined, it does affect me and it makes it harder to reach out. And the doubts! Goodness sakes! "Am i doing the right thing? Have i brought this on myself somehow? Am i making the right decisions in my relationship to my family? My community? With Gavain? Do i really have Anything to offer anyone as healer or teacher?!" Oh! It goes on and on. Turning off the inner critic is so hard sometimes. If feels like i am continuing to reveal deeper aspects of my being, and as i do so, all the things i struggled with before are coming up so that i can integrate them on a different place in the spiral. All these things served me in some way before (the pain, the judgment, the doubts) and these coping mechanisms are convinced they can be of service again. So, i'm hearing myself say things to me that i have told hundreds of others: Can you accept that you are judging yourself in this moment? Can you take a breath and accept how you are right now? Can you look around and see what the truth is right now? Can you see that you Feel unsafe but really, this environment is safe for you? Can you feel the love that is being offered you in this moment? Can you go inside and hold your little girl and love her, tell her that she doesn't need to be responsible any more? Can you feel your unshakable and inevitable connection to spirit?" Sometimes all this makes me feel better. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep.

I believe that part of the reason this is so up for me is because i am so fully loved by Gavain that i feel safe enough to feel unsafe. I have the idea that we have gotten into the pattern of me having strong, scared feelings and he is so loving and accepting that i keep having strong, scared feelings around him because they have a place to be held. To a degree, this is fine, but i sure don't want my time to be taken up by obsessing on my scared feelings! I do not wish our relating to be that i have finally found the perfect surrogate dad. Gavain and i decided to try an experiment to see if some time apart would bring a different pattern. I was glad to have some uninterrupted time to myself, because i will have me the rest of my life no matter what happens to my brother or mother, or my children or you. I will always have me, and it's good to go inside and say "hey, oh yeah, there you are".

So what else have i been doing to try and pull myself out of this shadow? I have been recognizing what i have to be grateful for. I have been spending at least 5 minutes a day breathing and letting go of everything but my breath. Dancing helps, even if i don't feel like dancing, just moving helps. And i just made an intention to take at least a short walk in nature every day; i want to enjoy this land every day that i live here.

This whole time, even in this shadow, i have been able to feel my connection to source; i haven't lost that from this summer even as i felt less able to feel the absolute rightness and sacredness of my being in recent weeks. Life is a series of ups and downs. I have been down for awhile and maybe i'm coming out of it, and maybe i'm not. But i do feel like there is a reason for being here, even if it's just to come to a profound acceptance of myself: to learn to love myself and the others around me in the clearest way possible. I hope i do have something to offer you in the process. And no matter how i Feel, i believe we are all at the expanding edge of the universe, it's really so exciting. There are many different things going on at once, not just what is immediately apparent, and it's important for me to remember that.

Namaste,
kaseja

November 2006

Day of the Dead. the veil between the worlds is thin right now, and i'm feeling it. it seems that the vast vast universe is speaking through me and the human world of relationship and things that Matter seem to be seeping through to me like a fog. i feel sad about relationships that seem to be in a state of disconnect, but at the same time, i know that all the love i have ever felt still sings strong in my spirit and that it never dies. all that is can be embraced and accepted. i feel humbly and deeply grateful for my life and for my strong and conscious place in the universe.

the subject for this letter is been intimacy. what is it? what are we craving when we say we want intimacy and/or partnership? are these things synonymous?

i believe that our desire for intimacy is an indication that we have evolved; in the past (say 200 years ago) we used to base our relationships on logistics: did she get up early enough to milk to cow? did he stay home and or did he go out and spend all the pin money on drinking? if these kinds of bases were covered you had a good relationship: whether or not you looked into each other's eyes probably didn't factor into it very much. these days, we want intimacy, which is nebulous in some ways, and since we live in a time where things change rather rapidly, our intimacy needs are changing, too (both culturally and individually).

in Grist for the Mill, Ram Dass illustrates an analogy of being on a journey. when we make it to the top of the mountain peak we see there are mountains upon mountains upon mountains. instead of completing our journey when we achieve our goal, we realize we have just begun our journey, in fact we realize there is no end to it. (this is a good point to realize that joy of life is inherent in the process, not the embedded in the goals in life.)

in the past, part of my mountain climbing included desire for partnership. i wanted to find someone i could share anything with, someone i felt completely loved by, and i was lucky enough to find that. assuredly, it was good. but it was a mountain peak from which i could see many more mountain peaks. i believe i am experiencing my own conscious evolution and awareness of my intimacy process. i am coming into the true state of my being, which is constantly changing. i see that i vibrate between source (heaven, god, spirit, stars) and earth (body) and that i am connected to source and to all living beings. the true state of my being is to be alive. and anything that promotes me being alive is worth pursuing.

seems to me that many people pursue partnership (marriage, having a boyfriend, girlfriend, or lover) to meet basic needs. we want someone to hold us, to be there when we get home from work, to listen to us, you know, someone to pick us up from the airport. sustainable relationships tend to broaden their support base so that their partner isn't meeting all their needs. and i know that partnership is more that just need-meeting. but when i hear people talk about wanting a partner, this is the kind of stuff i hear most. and it's a good thing to get your needs met for sure. but it seems to be that when i seek people to relate to me based on meeting my needs that i'm coming from a different angle than developing intimacy. to me, intimacy is being so present alive with someone that i can feel the ecstasy of feeling the whole universe in the love i am experiencing individually. i can feel past, present & future in the present moment. lately, i have been able to feel every leaf flicking in the breeze as i expand my awareness to be able to hold the feelings flowing through as i go deep into the beloved. this is not an experience that is "meeting my needs". in fact, as i focus less on my needs and more on what is Alive, i feel more alive and my needs are getting met as a sort of by product. i think part of what makes this possible for me is realize how totally temporary all of this is. all of it. this life will be over so fast, it will soon feel like a dream. at the same time, all of what i have ever experienced, or will ever experience is here in this present moment, so whatever "needs" i have that aren't "getting met" right now; will likely get met some other time, and is not worth concerning myself about in this present moment. the more i see things that way, the more my life opens to what is real and present right now. and the more that giving and receiving flow into a continuous circle where the values of "giving" and "receiving" lose their meaning. letting go of the idea that i need a partner or a lover (single or multiple) to meet my needs has propelled me into a life so alive i feel ecstasy most days. i am living my truth, and the truth has set me free.

i think part of where connecting partnership with needs starts is when we are children. i have a theory that when we are young, our light naturally shines forth. then, for most of us, something happens where our caregivers shut us down for some reason and then we mistakenly assume it's because we have let our true light show. we then decide that we have to be somehow different to get our needs met. we start to strategize on how to appear acceptable to those that are meeting our needs. as children, someone meeting our needs is pretty critical; we cant clothe or feed ourselves until we are older and we are dependent on our caregivers for care. if we have the feeling that we have to behave a certain way to get our needs met we can feel pretty darn insecure. as adults, our needs are quite different; we can met our own needs, and at the same time, we can have a persistent feeling of lack simply because of childhood experiences even though that lack is not evident in our present life.

your millage may vary. what i mean by that is i am writing this because i want to share with you my process. i am not trying to tell anyone what they should do for their lives. each person's path to wholeness is individual and i am not saying people should not pursue partnership. your path to the light might include pursuing partnership, or getting a master's degree or working in a pizza parlor; whatever. i would invite you though, to put the question before you: what makes you feel alive? go toward that! life is at your fingertips, waiting to unfold before you.

September 2006

Hello everyone,

things are still moving at a phenomenal rate for me, so here it is September, and i'm writing you all again. it's my birthday!!! and this is my gift to you. i am 45 today and i have never felt younger (well, maybe when i was 20, but i like being 45 lots better).

if any of you don't want these letters, let me know. and if you like them, you could let me know that, too!

my kids started school this week. they are attending Blue Mountain Free School in Cottage Grove. Marty, beth, ming san and i are coming to school with them for the first little while to ease the transition. i don't know how long i'll need to do that: Kite already seems mostly ready and this is just day 2 (i'm typing this on campus), Mariner seems less ready, as we expected, and it's also true that i haven't seen much of them today. i said i'd come tomorrow and i will, but it seems they are integrating well. i am thinking of volunteering 2 to 3 times a month to be a part of this exciting community they are joining.

big news in my life is that i have fallen in love. i have felt vulnerable and scared, but now i feel ready to be more open, though it still has a tender, new feeling around it. wow. i am still feel that i am not interested in a capital R relationship, i am not even considering us lovers. i feel good about that. i am interested in having a connection that is based on how we feel Now, not what transpired yesterday. i don't know if i will be able to maintain this attitude, but i think i will. this feels different than any connection i have ever had. i feel different. and i can feel that i am daily becoming more of who i am meant to be; i'm living the life i was born to lead and i am blossoming into the fullness of myself. i like it.

on another topic, i've been exploring and learning a lot about pain. at the August Heart of Now, one day i spent the entire day going from individual, to small group, to diads listening to people's pain and conflict. it was essentially back to back from about 9 a.m. until 7 p.m., including a session during lunch. in the past, i have felt pretty drained after a day like this. but that day i learned that i could see pain as a sweet gift; these people were showing me something that was beautiful that had incurred hurt in some way, and i saw their beauty like a morning rose with dew on it, time after time. i felt gifted and energized by the day. at night i wrote this poem

pain tells a sweet, vulnerable story
it is an angel, a bell
calling attention to the beauty enclosed within
witness!
and hold the baby.

the day after i wrote this poem i had a traumatic experience associated with pain. my friend and neighbors Jenna and Matt have 2 delightful children who are 21 months old. these two, Sage and Scout, have captured my heart. at this point, i'm hopelessly in love with the whole family. anyway, last week those 2 sweet babies got too close to a yellow jacket nest with predicable results. Jenna pulled Sage away from the nest and i received her, smushing yellow jackets that were swarming on her head and stinging her while Jenna went back for Scout. we ran into the house with the babies, angry attacking yellow jackets following us. we tried 3 different rooms, killing yellow jackets all the while. the babies, of course, were screaming. Jenna said "i want to take them to the hospital" so we jumped in the wildertribe car and Jenna held them while i drove. we killed 4 more on the way to Eugene. Scout and Sage screamed the whole way.

gosh, there's so much to say about this experience. i remember thinking : "just hang on, kaseja, there will be a time that you can cry and fall apart, just not now" i remember thinking "this is horrible, this is like war, but i know this will come to an end, that's what makes it different from war". once we got to the hospital and were seen, we were waiting for some time in a private hospital room. sometimes Scout would come to me, sometimes Jenna needed to hold them both (Sage didn't want to come to me). for a good bit of the time, Scout kept pointing to "go over there" and once we got "there" she pointed for me to take her over to a different "there". it seemed to me she was saying "i want out of this body." Sage cried pretty much inconsolably until the benedril and motrin took affect and she finally slept, but that was awhile after we were seen. (Sage said her first sentence: when she woke up she looked around and said "where are we?" now she's saying little sentences regularly.) i found it interesting that the next day Sage seemed totally fine and Scout was a wreck. i wondered if Sage was faring so well because she stayed with her pain, crying the whole time, while Scout apparently spent a fair amount of time wanting out of the experience. i also realized that I was extremely challenged to accept that these two small ones that i loved so much were in pain and i couldn't change it. i used this experience to add to my experiment (once i stopped feeling traumatized by it) and i learned some things.

one thing i learned is that since i was unwilling to fully accept the reality that these two babies that i loved were being hurt, that made the experience more difficult for me. i thought about Thich Nhat Hahn in a war zone and how he could see trauma after trauma and find a way to accept it and know peace the whole time. i found it interesting that i wrote a poem that ended "hold the baby" and the next day i was holding a literal baby who was in pain. i contemplated the relationship between physical pain and emotional pain. i realized there was a way that i hadn't trusted Scout and Sage to handle their pain: i wanted the situation to be different. I can see _Why_ i wanted it to be different, i'm merely pointing out that me wanting it to be different added to the pain and trauma for it for myself. Sage and Scout have their own way of dealing with pain, and they can take responsibility for it in their own way, even though they are babies. they came into this world and need to draw their own conclusions regarding pain and suffering. all i can do is witness them, accept them, and to alleviate suffering wherever i can, which is no different than what i do with others in my life. once i accepted that i did what i could, and accepted the event, my trauma decreased (and in getting help from my friends as they held me when i cried and all that, was very helpful, too, of course)

this question of pain has been present for me quite a bit lately. i have been letting my life be one big experiment when it comes to challenging states (pain, discomfort, anger, disappointment etc). when i experience something difficult, i question /why/ it's difficult, what i am learning from it? how i am i contributing to this being a "difficult" moment instead of one of love and gratitude? what causes pain? what is the difference between pain and suffering? i am striving to be in a state of gratitude in every moment: to see where my life is beautiful no matter what is happening. and, i am also experimenting with being in complete acceptance with what Is, instead of what i wished or wanted (or even what i /thought/ i wished or wanted). i am also experimenting with concept that uncomfortable states are just as desirable and alive as happy ones, in fact, in some ways they are more desirable, because they are teaching me what i need to know to be who i am truly meant to be. in Ram Dass's book _Grist for the Mill_ he refers to this as uncooked seeds: these contracted states cook the seeds, bring them to fruition and allows us to see something about ourselves and learn; if we are paying attention (without attention, we sometimes repeat our patterns over and over until we are ready to let them go). as i mentioned in my last letter, Isis Ashton's cd has been really inspiring me lately (isisashton.com...check it out!). one of the lines in her songs is "joy is in the journey: in the challenge and the triumph" and i am learning to be fully engaged when i am uncomfortable, sad or in pain. it makes life very interesting.

here is a story that illustrates this. i've been telling this story frequently lately and it seems to have resonance for many. maybe something will resonate with you. i chose to write the first part in the third person. i'm not totally sure why, but it feels right and i'm experimenting with different writing styles (the Star Ones say i'll be writing a book one day soon: i'm not sure what "soon" means to a Star One, but i figure this is part of the process; in preparation for that).

There was a womon who loved someone and very much wanted this other person to come to a special, comfortable outdoor space where deep, loving intimacy could be share with beautiful stars, sentinel trees and wondrous morning light. The gender of the other person is really beside the point, but in this case, it was a man. He said he would come and she waited all night occasionally waking to watch meteorites, to wonder if he was going to come, to think about the nature of desire and of being in a body. Eventually it was clear that he wasn't going to come. Later, she found out he had decided to spend the night with someone else.

As she told this story to others, she was questioned regularly: Didn't that make her jealous? No. Why not? This is what she would say: "My life is in my hands. I don't wish to be unhappy because things are not going as I expect them to. I have told him I do not ever want him to come to me unless he 100% wants to be here: that is where life is, anything other is obligation which does not promote life. In any given moment of my life, I can choose the life I want. That night I chose to find beauty in the stars, in the meadow at night, in the gratitude of my life. I chose to find it interesting that I felt sad that he wasn't there. I chose to trust that I would have love and fulfillment with him some other time, or with someone else, and to love my fulfilled life as it was right then. I chose to recognize that resenting not getting what I want does nothing but invite resentment into my life, and I choose love for myself and my life in every moment, no matter what the moment brings. The question before me is 'what do I choose to put my life force into?' As for "jealousy": him not coming to me has nothing to do with the other person that he spent time with. It had to do with him being willing to respect his life force, the flow of his being and trust that where his being was taking him was the right thing for him and therefore the right thing. Part of the reason I love this person is because he trusts himself that completely. I want him to always do the thing that feels 100% right for him as much as he is able. (I can hear many of you saying that you would not be able to have this reaction in such a situation: I want to make it clear that I am sharing with you my process: I am not promoting others to do what I am experimenting, although I do have to say it has led me to a lot of peace. Everyone has the right and responsibility to know what is right for them, what works for them; I can completely understand that this reaction doesn't seem appropriate for everyone.) Another thread to this perception is that I am aware of how temporary all of this is. Do you know the concept of "the plate is already broken"? My relating to him is timeless, it always was, it always will be and at the same time, it is already dissolved. Something will tear us apart someday, if by nothing else, than by death, there is nothing permanent about our connection. It matters not that he does not come tonight, there will come a night that I know that he will not come again. I may as well grapple with that truth today as well as tomorrow. Maybe by facing it today with equanimity, I can face the death of this connection with equanimity and even my own death. Separation does not need to be a cause for unrest: in fact, more and more I see that separation is the illusion that causes pain & suffering for me. When I know that we are all One (which is the ultimate truth that we are all progressing to) there is no need for me to feel the pain of separation. I guess it's the beginning of the dissolution of my ego. It feels good to be playing with these concepts."

so that's my story on all that.

as i have been working with these challenging concepts, i notice that others are not always in agreement or alignment with me. part of me wants to make a connection between safety and others' opinions of me. as my life continues to unfold, i recognize that everything i do -- big or small-- it all kind of boils down to 1 of 2 choices: am i listening to my inner voice or not? am i staying in touch with what fosters and nurtures my life force or not? essentially, am i going to god, or not. as i choose more and more to listen to my life force it grows stronger. this doesnt mean i never have self doubt or that i never make mistakes, but it does mean that every choice i make is between me and my god, so to speak and public opinion has no place here. i'd like to share a Rumi poem that i think illustrates this:

We're not afraid of God's blade
or of being chained up, or
of having our heads severed.

We're burning up quickly, tasting
a little hellfire as we go.

You cannot imagine
how little it matters to us
what people say.

related to this concept, it appears to me that we are all amazingly beautiful beings who have learned to stuff our life force in some way. i think that's because as children our life force comes out easily and naturally and when something hurt us (such as our parents passing down some kind of pain in their lives) we erroneously think it's because we let our true nature show. the truth is, we were hurt because of something that had little to do with us, we just thought it was about us because as children it's not possible to have a perspective bigger enough to realize that adults can make mistakes. as we learn to let our unique and beautiful light shine 2 things can happen. one is we become afraid. afraid people will hurt or judge us; afraid of our power. another thing that can happen in our connection with ourselves grow stronger. that's what we're looking for. because when that happens, we can start to see how much we are living the life we were meant to have and how to move in ways to make it more so. at this point i feel (most days, most of the time) that every move i make brings me deeper into my being and more connected to my source. the very air seems to vibrate with life. the light of the sun and the moon an in every person seems to mirror to me the beauty of the life i can see all around me in this world. i know we can all have this experience and i'm promoting that reality everywhere i go.

You all are beautiful.

Dance your life!!!

August 2006

i used to write a letter to my friends once a quarter; so much has been happening in my life i have written every month this summer.

What am i learning now?

How to be very very big and very very small at the same time. Like being as big as the universe and knowing i am so small as i see become aware of galaxies millions of light years away. Other big and smalls at once: nothing matters at all, and it's so important what i am feeling right now. i am big enough to know there is love and acceptance and enough for me in every moment, and i am so small when i am crying and lonely because there is no one to hold me right now. The very space between the cells of my body are vast, i can feel that space; and at the same time, i am only one small body. i am human, and i am spirit; both at once.

Another thing i am learning is how to balance ecstatic states with my need for rest. in my last letter i stated that i was using pain as a way to slow down, to take a break from the energy output that i had been experiencing in ecstasy. i am learning how to be present, completely grateful for the moment (whatever it is bringing) and also be restful. it's interesting.

i am learning how to be happy when i feel contracted in loneliness or pain, or sadness. Sadness, in fact, gets it's own category because i am learning to celebrate sadness in particular: i am seeing it as a sign of change to something new, which is something to be celebrated and embraced. so even my most difficult states are a call to feel; a call to living life fully, not just moments of love.

i am learning how to really really feel that you and i are not separate. we are mirrors of the same source. when i fully accept this, i can take responsibility for my part in anything, including war and torture of animals. i am that big, and at the same time so small that it is something that is bearable. does this make sense to you? i feel i have the capacity to accept that i am fully responsible for my world.

i am also learning to see money as just another form of energy. abundance is evident, all else is illusion. as i continue to learn this truth of the universe, i expect to see my financial world (and that of Lost Valley, and the Heart of Now) change shape. and, i can see the abundance that is currently all around me. if anyone is interested in the affirmations i am currently affirming daily, let me know and i will send them to you.

in the sensual/sexual world i have been exploring (among other things) rhythm and focus. i have come across the ideas that when we are touching and i am aware of you and me and all that is around me, i am experiencing sensuality. When the focus becomes single pointed (on a certain part of the body, or toward a certain experience such as orgasm) i am being sexual. Also, when anything can (and is) happening, that is different than a built up rhythm that is repetitive rather than varied. i have been experimenting with myself and others in these arenas: i feel very grateful that i am open to my life such that i get to explore these things. sometimes i fear judgment from others. when i can admit to myself that there is no shame in being a slut it helps. i used to feel so free to be a slut: especially when i was involved in the S/M community. It doesnt feel that simple now. But, truly, it is. and if i do not carry judgment on myself, there's no need to defend myself to imagined judgment. And when/if i experience open judgment, i can deal with that in the moment. it's not helping me to imagine i may have to deal with it.

in this exploration of the body: i ejaculated for the first time a couple of weeks ago. it was an amazing experience. i was not being particularly sexual, it felt more sensual, but i was moving my hips in a rotating way. as i beared down (as if i was giving birth) i felt myself ejaculate. i wasnt trying, but i have wondered for a long time what that would be like. i take it as a sign from my body and spirit that i am on the right track with my explorations.

End of July 2006

My mother came and took Heart of Now this last weekend. what a gift! we are more connected, and i am so grateful that she was willing to come and have this experience.

i am continuing to have strong experiences in my life. it's amazing how staying with trust and connection to source can have me feeling so alive, so Knowing that i am living the life i am meant to live, so in the flow of giving love and caring to others and feeling energized and enlivened by it. as i said, i had 2 weeks of questioning my trust in the universe, but i seem to be back in the saddle, mostly. at times, it is a matter of discipline. Isis Ashton (check out her website Isisashton.com) is helping me alot. one of her songs says "i cherish the moment, kissing it with grace, leaving my lipstick all over god's face" and other says "joy, is in the journey, in the challenge and the triumph" when i remember that even "challenging" moments are moments of joy and life i can hold myself and others in such freedom and lightness.

there is a part of me that fears and wants to cling. i find that coming up when i find particular "4th dimensional" magic such that i have experienced with certain individuals. and i know the magic is created Because there is no holding, no expectation, no needing to cling to any illusion of (3rd dimensional) "safety". i dont need "safety". rather, i am always safe because i am always held by where i came from and where i am going to.

i feel in my being that i am evolving to a being of light. i have known for a long time that this will happen when i die, but i am feeling more and more that it will happen before i die. wow. i am so grateful and honored and blessed to be able to have this conscious. what a life!

it's funny to me that my sensual/sexual attraction seems to gravitate toward men. i am realizing my vision to explore my sexuality, and am finding myself in places where i can explore my grey areas and boundaries 2 or 3 times a week (sometimes less, sometimes more) and i am connecting with women, too, but mostly men. i have the idea that this is so because i am still seeking to heal the rift with "male" energy caused by my father's conflict with his energy and his damage expressing itself to me in the form of lies and sexual abuse.

i am so grateful that i am finding playmates in this adventure. i think the sacred dance is supported by the no attachment, and the no attachment supports the sacred dance. the sacred temple prostitute in me knows that each encounter is fully alive and present and then the moment is gone and i am in the next encounter. spirit dictates my flow, and takes me where i am meant to be. the more i am in touch with that, the more spirit flows through me and the less ego needs to say "i need that" "you need to do something" "here is the Plan"

accepting contraction and fear; floating it in the vast space contained within the cells in my body as well as the space between the stars helps me move back into trust, freedom and joy. letting resistance, challenge, frustration, contraction be my signals that something needs attention, that i need to refocus on gratitude and love. my vision: to be fully connected to my source and my flow at all times and to emanate love at all times. yup. i can do it.

i keep finding others who are having parallel experiences. it seems that there are many of us awakening. think of what we will do! how wonderful that we are doing it Now. i am so in love with myself and with you all.

an ending note that may be of interest to some of you:

my ex husband and i are back in contact after over 20 years of no contact. i have been sharing some of my experiences with him. He asked me if i have any "private" or personal space. i have been thinking about this quite a bit off and on in the recent years. i have been a bit confused about "private" in my life. i know i have stepped on people's toes before around this one, so i am trying to understand. so many people have need to be private when using the bathroom, say. or crying. no, i do not need those things. sometimes i choose to be "private" about them because i do not want to offend others; i have become better at being aware of these kinds of social niceties. i have always felt such an intense need to share, and have been so grateful when others will join me in my personal space. i have absolutely loved being in intimate triad relating-- sexual and non-sexual --and have felt intensely grateful for the witnessing inherent in such relating. now, as i move more and more into being aware of being a gestalt being i feel very much less in need to be separate from others in any way. mind you, this is a vision. i am not always able to live in this vision. but today i am in this vision. or, i should probably say, right now, i am in this vision. it feels Right to me. it feels like where i was meant to come to.

June 2006

just past full moon

A letter to my womyn friends

i wish i could write the womon symbol here, it looks so much more beautiful than any way we could ever spell it. I have been so touched by my sisters lately, and in my current journey to myself, i am finding that my connection with you all--even if i have not spoken to you in years--is sustaining me deeply.

About a month ago, i had a visceral shift in my body that has resulted in many wonderful things, the most beautiful, perhaps, being a much stronger connection to my source. i have been working on this for many moons: knowing that there is a core piece of myself that is not subject to judgment or criticism: a place where my light shines forth. a place worthy and whole and beautiful and powerful beyond question. as i was able to access this more and more, my connection with the entity Star Ones came back. since i was 12, i have felt that i was from the stars, not really 100% in a way. when i lived in Berkeley, i met someone who had been in touch with a gestalt being she called the Star Ones and my life long belief that i was from some other reality coalesced and i also had access to them. From the time Mariner was born until last month i had very little contact with them. that story is not so important here, but what is crucial to this last wave of connection is that i have a sense that i am never alone, i never have been alone: i am held in a vastness that is so huge. and, even in my own body, i am aware of the vastness of space that exists between the stuff that make up the cells in my body. i am aware of what i have been calling the 4th dimension: all that stuff that goes on when we dream or are in some other "altered" state. there is a lot going on right now�a convergence of sorts on the spiritual plane--and human consciousness is expanding. we have no way of knowing where it may land.

with these spiritual experiences under my belt, i have noticed that my need to know what i going to happen; my need to plan and consider how my life (or my day) is going to pan out has nearly evaporated. i see my life as a flow, instead of a plan. this allows my life force to go where it is meant to and allows for much greater response to those around me. amazing things are happening in my life: my connections with people are deeper and the love i have been able to feel is much stronger. The Star Ones have been present with me daily.

A few weeks ago i took a workshop called Heart of Passion which is a spin off from the workshop i have been involved with (assisting and facilitating) called Heart of Now. i started the workshop with the intention of exploring my temple priestess self: i have known for many years that i have an intense way of channeling energy when i am sexual and have been able to feel the temple prostitute in my being. Up until recently, this has been energy that i have stumbled across; it's happened almost by accident and i have felt beholden and grateful to those who have been the catalyst for it. this has had me stay in relationships that did not otherwise serve me, in hopes that this part of myself could be accessed more strongly. In every lover relationship that i have been engaged in, this access has significantly decreased over time. My intention for the weekend was to find ways to access this part of myself intentionally and without necessarily sexually connecting with another person.

i achieved my goal.

i have been known to say that Heart of Passion knocked my socks off and i am still barefoot.

Saturday night we held a women's circle where we all stood in a circle, naked and each womon had 4 minutes in the middle of the circle. we witnessed each other in the most vulnerable and tender of ways. when it was my turn, i looked at each womon in turn, and felt each of us deeply deeply connected. i claimed my body fully as my own, not to be given away to anyone, ever. i felt angry at first, then realized that i did not have to claim my body with yelling or with anger, i could just state it as a truth. as i did so, i began to dance and the high priestess within came out. my whole body began to shake as i could feel the power going through me. One of my sisters in the circle was someone that i had clearly done magic with before and i was delighted to be able to feel that truth all the way through my spirit.

Sunday morning i told my beloved ming san that i needed to stop being lovers with him. this caused me some sadness, but i realized that i had been constricting my flow of life energy so that i would not threaten him, or our relationship and in return for this i enjoyed (the illusion) of safety in the context of our relating. As i explored my need to be in touch with myself more deeply, i remembered that i had a vision in my late 20's that i could be intimate with many people and that sexuality could be a part of that (or not) but that i did not have to alter my connection and relating with someone just because i wanted to share sexual space with them. i have had few relationships that really realized this ideal, and i think that's because i have not known how to hold space for myself in a sexual arena. as soon as i am sexual with someone, i am in a needs based trading relationship (�i'll give you sex and you give me safety� is one common exchanged that i have engaged in). One other way this shows itself is when i am sensual with someone, i havent know how to keep it there; moving into sexuality is very easy for me, not so easy for me to "hold back" and explore the richness of what is possible in sensual space. and, once i have been sexual with someone this pattern becomes more and more entrenched. i have relied on the people that i have been sexual with to hold this space for me, which has manifested mixed results. mostly in the result that sex is much faster than it needs to be and often has been in pursuit of orgasm.

At the end of the weekend we were encouraged to pick a next step toward our vision. to address this sexual giving away of myself, i sent an intention around being sexual with others. First, to have a conversation with any potential sexual partner concerning sexual preferences, sexual styles, proclivities, desires, boundaries, experiences, stuff like that. another was to talk about safe sex; philosophy, past sexual experiences; things that i might need to know in order to make a decisions regarding genital contact for myself or to understand any boundaries that might be in place for others. On the other side of this conversation, i feel that having an understanding of what my intention is regarding being sexual with others feels really crucial to me at this time. it might be something simple like: i want to stay open and in my flow. it might be to deliberately channel the priestess. it might be to hold space for myself: to go slow and not allow myself to be swept away pursuing orgasm. just simply to have an intention so i'm not letting chance dictate my experience. and, in honoring my temple priestess, i want to allow myself the time and space to do a ritual to consecrate the space in which i plan to be open to sharing sexual energy.

since setting these intentions, i have been lucky enough to be sexual once, and sensual twice. i was able to set an intention and do a ritual before being sexual and it was wonderful to be able to enact this holding of myself so soon after having this idea. i noticed that i still had trouble allowing myself to go slow, once i was open, i wanted to have full on sex, thereby skipping over some of the nuances that would have been possible had i been willing or able to go slow. i hope to improve this over time.

the night i was sensually involved was interesting as well. i noticed that when i started feeling sexual i felt shaky about being able to hold these intentions clear for myself. What is sexual energy anyway, when does that line cross over? i feel i need so much practice to understand myself in this arena, and i hope to continue to get the support i need to do so.

i'm going to end this letter here, and say again, that i love you all and am so glad for all that we have shared (and might share in the future). please let me know what is going on in your lives, too.

i'm going to end this letter with some sexual experiences that i've been having lately. i doubt it will offend anyone, but if you dont want to read about sexual stuff at all (except what i've already said) you can skip the next 2 paragraphs.

i also have noticed that i have been having auto erotic experiences lately as well. this is pretty new to me. last week, as i was going to bed i started undressing slowly and sensually as if for a lover, but this was for me. one of the ideas that i have had, is that making love to myself is not that fulfilling because there is no surprise factor, i know where my hands are going, so it's kind of boring. as my hands started to travel over my body, i couldnt keep total track of them because they were both going at once. it was really fun.

yesterday, i spent 3 hours in a yew tree. at one point i was lying on a branch and i wondered what it would be like to rub up against the branch. i started doing the tantric breathing: as i breathed in, i tilted my pelvis forward and tightened my PC muscles. breathing out, i relaxed the muscles and tilted my pelvis back. this was raising a lot of energy. after a time, i had to slow down the PC rock and the breathing. i reached into my overalls and found myself very wet. as i started to touch my clit, i continued to tighten my PC muscles rhythmically. as i approached orgasm, i stopped and allowed myself to slow down my energy. then i brought it back up and had a delightful orgasm. i'm not sure if this was "not holding space" for myself or not: there is a way that i really want to learn how to not just "go for it" whether it be orgasm or penetration. and, this experience was just totally damn fun.

November 30, 2005

i have taken my relationship to breath one step further. I am regularly encouraging myself to take a moment throughout the day to breathe and connect with myself deep down. That place inside me that feels utterly connected to the Star Ones, and the Earth and all people. A few months ago while assisting at Heart of Now (a course offered here at Lost Valley), i felt this place inside me. It was deeper than i'd ever felt as an adult. From this place, i know the Right Path for my every action. Rather, i don't need to "know" because it comes from something inside that has much less to do with my head and is much more body/spirit centered. In taking this affirmational focus, i have realized (or re-acquainted myself) with some things. One is that my emotional upsets tend to stem from me lacking the ability to control my external environment. In my damage, i tend to equate this with feeling unsafe. I have realized that "feeling unsafe" means feeling the same feelings in my body that i felt when i was being sexually abused as a child. I guess i wasn't done letting these kinds of feelings out! I am reminding myself to look around and see what's real. My safety is no longer threatened this way and it will never be that way again. Reconnecting with myself helps reinforce this (more true) alternate reality. Other things that I've noticed is that i tend to get emotionally worked up when i make whatever happening about "me". If i remember that my life is not essentially about me; it's about love and service and healing and growth and being present for the process of being alive, things tend to go much smoother for me and every one around me. This commitment to staying true to my core self paradoxically takes the focus off me and opens me up to the present moment with whoever's around.

I also have been experimenting with tonglen. I got the idea from Pema Chodron's book When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times(Chapter 15 Going Against the Grain). She describes a practice where you breathe in while feeling some sort of constriction or suffering for someone else (or yourself) and breathing out compassion, space, an opening for easing the energy. When i find myself irritated by someone or feeling threatened in some way, tonglen is helping me loosen the constricition around these dense experiences. This is one way she describes going toward something that is bugging us. I call it kissing my monsters: when i embrace my monsters, i am not fleeing from my life, and they cease to be able to threaten me. Yeah.

I have been getting feed back that i seem softer, less antagonistic. I'm so happy about that. It's still so far from where i want to be AND growth is really the most important. Where there is movement, there is life and hope. I like that.

I am grateful every day for my life. Grateful for my close relationship with my brother who almost died 2 years ago. Grateful tor my close relationship with my mother and with my sister and niece, whom i am cultivating more closeness. I have plans to see them both near the end of the month. Beyond my family of origin, i feel continually blessed by my community and the land that i live on. The quiet and dark, the rain, the wildlife, the plants all seem to welcome me and hold me in their sweet embrace. It's not perfect: there's been financial strain and i cant say i feel emotionally close sot everyone here. But i trust my community as a whole and i have true friends here. There are probably at least 5 more that i wish i had more time for. Community life in the country isn't the kind of laid back life that some of you might imagine. I love it here; and there is so much to do on any given day. It sometimes boggles me. My to-do list is long. But i love everything i do.

The kids are doing great. Mariner learned how to ride a bike with no training wheels on Oct 8th. Kite lost his first tooth on Nov 6th (one day after his 6th birthday). They seem to be happy, full of love (or angst, depending on the growing moment) and growing strong. They both miss their sister Eliza who's coming at the end of this month for a visit.

Participating in Lost Valley's Heart of Now course is perhaps my favorite thing: i have come to love the rhythm of a Heart of Now weekend; starting on Thursday night and going through Monday afternoon. First the assistants, then the students all gathering in their variety and beauty. It feels so good to witness the ebb and flow of community gathering and dispersing. I love watching us all grow and learn from each other. I absolutely love teaching. My favorite part is the circles where anything can happen (and sometimes does). I love stretching here, honing my talks, growing more comfortable when i have a certain idea to get across. Kim and i went to teach at a sister community in November, and it was a wonderful experience. The land was beautiful, the people were so open and loving, the community profoundly moved and they are closer and more bonded because of our time there. I love my work. I hope spirit sees fit to have me serve thus for a long time. I feel i have found purpose like never before and my life seems to only be getting better.

I never want to leave the property. I do, to visit my mother occasionally, to go to visit in town friends or take the kids to the library. Even more rarely i go out to dinner or to some event. But what i really love is a quiet unstructured evening at home listening to the rain pound on the roof. Really, it's the simple things that make me feel the best.

Which is not to say happy. I 've realized i'm not really that happy day to day. I've got too many growing edges, too much angst. But i think happiness is overrated. My ultimate goal isn't happiness anyway, it's peace. And i certainly have more of that than i ever have had.

Good books I've read lately are Don Brown's Davinci code (the other books i read of his were good but i didnt find slogging through the violence worth it. The DaVinci Code was definitely worth it to me) Barbra Kingsolver's Small Wonder was amazing. And I've been reading young adult writer Sharon Creech: she wrote Walk Two Moons which was wonderful and i just finished Fire on the Wind, which was good. For edification i have nearly finished Unbound Feet: by Judy Wong it's an historical account of Chinese American women in the SF area. I already mentioned When Things Fall Apart. And Shy Girl was a good lesbian fiction quick read.

Love you all! Write and tell me how you are!!

September 2005

I've been at Lost Valley almost a year now and it's really working for me. It's not perfect: i wish there were more queers�more women (if a coupla 3 or 4 dykes moved in, that'd be awesome) but the folks here are respectful and emotionally mature. The trees are beautiful and i'm growing an appreciation for the meadow. We've been sleeping out there regularly: watching the meteorite showers and learning constellations. Mariner (aka Rain: he's decided to go back to his name of origin) has finally settled here and no longer begs to move to Berkeley. Kite is still thriving: he loves the social interaction here and many community members are touched by his sweetness and intellegence.

Things are changing on many levels for me; which, frankly, is not really different from the life i have led up to now. Most recently, ming san's undying devotion began to feel stifling so i have been taking measures to be by myself more and spend time with people without him. It has put a strain on our relating, yet it has opened me (and him) up to new experiences that would have been impossible up until now. I am falling in love with myself, exploring depths that i haven't had access to ever in my conscious adult life. Sometimes i'm scared, sometimes i'm ecstatic; always i feel i am in integrity: growing, learning about me and the world around me.

I have become more integrated into the Heart of Now (HON) and will be actually teaching this month. The process of becoming a teacher has honed my skills in many areas, but the most profound is a deeper connection with myself. I am learning to find a few minutes to an hour (or more) each day to connect with myself, explore my depths and check in with my inner 7 year old. I have discovered that my 7 year old is the one who tends to feel she needs to take responsibility for everything (which has attempted to give me a false sense of safety). In the wake of understanding that, i felt it made more sense to relieve her of that job and let a grownup do the things she was trying to control. This change has helped heal a dynamic that has been the source of much frustration and anger in the past. Letting go of being in control is actually affording more safety because it's not dependent on what's happening outside of myself. Teaching HON affords other ways to grow: I am so passionate about humans and how we relate to ourselves and each other, HON is a wonderful diverse pool in which to learn and share in.. i am also learning how to build and manage the assistant team. Deliberately building teams based on what i know about people's different abilities, procivities and emotional relationships seems challenging and fun. HON allows me to play/work with all of this and more.

My relationship with anger in general feels much more comfortable. I attribute this to many things. As well as some of the things i mentioned above, my relationship with my breath is much more solid. This gives me immediate constant access to myself the depths of which i have never enjoyed before. I also have been learning something about emotional fusion: i have been expecting (demanding) my intimates to �validate� me which has put �validation� outside my control and has pressured my intimates to perform a certain way. As i learn to validate myself, both me and the people i interact with are more free to be who we are. Although it's uncomfortable at times, i like it better than being emotionally dependent. This has affected my life profoundly and in particular my relationships with Marty and ming san.

The rain and grey skies here kiss me regularly (even in the summer occasionally) and i feel like a frog who is soaking up the environment. I'm home. I never want to leave, not really. In fact, i went from seeing my mother once a week to once a month because i didn't want to be away from home so often. Not to mention the gas use. I have loved ones in Eugene, Portland and Berkeley and i just wanna stay home even though i love them so much. I've been lucky that the ones we love most are able and willing to come here regularly. robin is even planning on moving up to Eugene. Yay!

My friend Dianne Ross moved an assisted living facility outside of Portland. She got put on hospice last January and i finally went to visit her the beginning of July. I had plans to visit her again the end of July but i got a call that said �put kaseja at the head of the line; if she doesn't come now, she might not see me alive�. The call came on Sunday and i was told Monday wasn't good for Dianne's family. So, i cleared my Tuesday schedule and ran up to Portland. Dianne was largely unresponsive but she could raise her eyebrows for 'yes' and purse her lips for 'no'. I was told visits were being limited to 15 minutes but once i got there, i stayed 8 hours. She died the next day on July 27th. It was hard to see a friend dying. I felt so blessed to be a part of her process, to feel connected to her dying as well as connected to her life.

Mom and i continue to be close. Last week ming san and i went and spent the night at her place, played mah jong with her and Twinkle and then the four of us went bird watching the next day. We saw my favorite: the great blue heron (i'm so glad they are in abundance here). We also saw osprey, killdeer, plenty LBB's (little brown birds), canada geese, ducks and mom saw a yellow stilt legs. It was a pleasant morning and i love the connection mom and i have in nature.

Marty and i (still!) don't get enough time together but our relationship is much smoother since i've learned about emotional fusion and how to unhook from it. I admire him in many ways and i hope he still feels the same about me (but of course, if he doesn't, i just validate myself!). beth and i have reached an equilibrium, too. That one is a little harder to chart, but i'm grateful for it.

The kids and i have been having a love fest. We are feeling really close and both of them have been saying they wanna sleep with me every night. Marty and i are alternating; i have them 1 night, he has them the next. That works real well for us, though the kids resist that sometimes. Nowadays the resistance is more along the lines of "Awwwww....alright" instead of "No! No! No!" it feels good to have every other night (roughly) to focus on LV business or something personal. Yeah.

To wrap up, i'm loving living here. I have had the feeling i could be here a long time, maybe forever. For the rest of my life. Maybe not; the future is hard to predict. But things are in alignment for me now even though it's not always easy. Yup, the joy is deep and when i feel scared or hurt or angry, i FEEL it then it passes and the next things happens. Thanks for caring about me and reading this! Write and tell me how you are! Peace and blessings, kaseja

April 2005

i have been having the most extrodinary experience lately. at the last Heart of Now, i was exploring my breath and i became connected to a deep place inside of me that looked a little like a beautiful opal oblong shaped stone. eminating from the "stone" was an incredible glowing light. i felt i was in the presence of my true self, the part of me that is love, the part of me that is one-with-all. i became a little scared: the kind of scared i feel when i dont know how to handle too much of life's bliss. i am facing that fear; feeling it and riding it and finding myself in the next place. since that time, i have spent countless breaths connecting with that place in me, and i hope that some day soon it will be entirely automatic. from this place i feel i am able to make the right choice for me, and the right choice when it comes to affecting those around me in a positive way. i feel blessed to have connected with myself in this way, and am grateful that i live in community and have so much to give and share of myself with others.

in general, i am feeling grateful. in the past 2 or 3 weeks, i have been able to take walks on this beautiful piece of land that i now call home. long meditative walks where i can think about my life, my work, my relationships in the back drop of nature. i have been able to take my daily mediation in nature, as well. there is a place not to far from my bedroom where there is lots of moss and ferns and a beautiful growing yarrow patch that i have been visiting. i have yearned to live in nature for a number of years, and am grateful to Spirit and to my own will that have brought me here (and i have to give most of the credit to Spirit!)

i have been struggling with my energy with the kids. when i am trying to do too much at once (which is still the case on a daily basis) i have, in the past, tended to react to their needs with a short temper. i am noticing when i breathe more and do only one (or two) things at once that i can keep my love for them pouring. and i do love them so much! Malachite has really been sweet on me lately, lots of expressions of love and connection between us. Rain is still tending toward clingyness, but has in the recent past found ways to connect to others, too. Rain, incendently, has identified as a girl for about a month now. i am just riding her gender fluidity and enjoying it. she has not been able to articulate how being a girl is different than just being Rain, but it doesnt matter to me. she is clearly having some kind of experiencial exploration that many of us have never been able to enact.

my job-for-money is basically satisfying. my schedule is varied and i currently like all my clients. i am up for a wage review and i am going to ask for a dollar an hour raise. i probably wont get it, but i am the guest speaker at then next (mandatory) quarterly meeting and i know they know they can send me to any client and i will do a good job. i have good relations with all the staff that i have encountered. and i figure if i ask for a dollar i'll get the most i can possibly get.

my relationship with ming san continues to grow in divine will and closeness. i dont know how much i told you about my resolve to share my body more: it affects having sex with ming san as well as when my children step on my toe or jab me with an elbow. when i first came up with this brilliant idea, my body totally rebelled and i couldnt have sex at all for about a month. now, i seem to be able to be "talked into it" which i actually think is good for me. and i apparently am not as triggered by elbows and accidental physical "invasion" by the kids. isnt that cool?

i am breeding mice for my snake. that's being really fun for me. i really like the mice a lot, they are so cute. i thought i would feel guilty or have attachments if i was breeding them, but it seems ok to feed them to the snake as well. it's fun for me. i hope to breed the snake when she is old enough.

on other animal fronts: my dog is healthy and happy for the most part. i am going back to feeding her food that i make her since she is old now. i love her so much. sometimes i think i will miss her when she is gone, but then i just try to enjoy the present with her and not worry about the future.

and the chickens are so funny and cute. i think i proabably said that before, but it's true. the eggs taste good, too. we hope to get them in to a moveable coop that we fence with electric fence run off of solar panels. that would be so cool.

i think i said that i got invited to be involved with the Heart of Now teacher training. this is so amazing and exciting to me i'm not even spending much time on being scared. what an incredible opportunity! i truly feel i am exactly where i am meant to be.

i have a pretty good connection with my brother, Chaz (the one who was sucidal and missing a couple years back). He's sober for more that a year now, and it shows. i'm proud of him and feel we are making a real connection that has love and caring and a spiritual focus. i feel lucky that he is alive, really alive and wants to be alive with me, too.

my mother lives about an hours' drive away. the kids and i see her once a week on average. i am grateful to tears that i am nearby and can be close with her.

there is so much i want to do here at Lost Valley; i dont know when i'll ever find the time. i want to work in the garden more, i want to do more land stewarding with Rick Valley. i want to organize historical records and make calls for the Events Center. i want to cut the scotch broom back, build compost piles and do trail maintenance.

i'm not saying i dont have my bad days. one night last week i yelled at Rain to finish her snack "NOW!" after the last Heart of Now, the kitchen floor was dirty and there was lots of dirty laundry piled in the laundry room. sometimes the kids' needs directly conflict with my own, and i feel at a loss to do the right thing. but in all instances like these if i remember to breathe, everything gets a lot more clear and i know the right way to act. i love my life, my family, my community, and myself. i feel so grateful to be in the midst of my big, loving, beautiful life.

February 2005

i was thinking the other day that some of you might be wondering What happened to kaseja? What is the Heart of Now? What is Lost Valley like? How are the kids? i decided it might be a good idea to reach out to all of you and give you some details of our recent big transition. Marty and i moved to Lost Valley in September. beth was already with us and while we applied for membership (and were accepted) she applied for an internship and was accepted. ming san came in October and he is currently a renter here. The first 2 or 3 weeks were pretty rough for me. The community needed new members, but many were still reeling from the loss of some long term members recently leaving and the welcome wagon was fairly absent. On the advice of a community member (thank you, Tracie), i started talking to anyone who would listen about my concerns regarding Lost Valley, how and why it wasn�t working for me. The feedback i got helped me to see where it was me and gave me ideas of things i could do different. i also realized i needed to stop putting so many hours with the Events Center so i could do other things on the land and feel more connected to LV as a whole. my job-for-money (in home senior care) was preventing me from participating in the personal growth workshop we have here, The Heart of Now. This shifted in November; i was able to take a day off so i could assist for the November workshop. then, my regular client died and i went to an on-call basis enabling me to assist every month.

My friends, i feel i have finally found something that i could call �my calling�. as you must know (if you are getting this) personal relationships are so important to me and this feels like a place that i can work with that on a very intimate level. i�m thrilled to be doing work that feels totally aligned with my whole being and i want to tell you a little about the workshop. Most people who come find some way to further their path toward their joy, to being more alive. for some, the weekend is a profound catalyst toward healing. it�s a little hard to describe, but i can say there are exercises , techniques and reminders centered around our connection with our bodies, acknowledgement of breath, and awareness of attachments and how they function in our lives. for me, the HON workshop has helped me become more aware of my breath; healing a life long pattern of routinely holding my breath especially under stress. during my first HON i made a commitment to breathe more fully, more consistently and it has really stuck and really helped! subsequent workshops have improved my ability to stay in the present moment, choose love, stay connected to Marty and the kids and other relationships in my life. it has helped me keep my house cleaner and reinforce my commitment to get out in to nature. it has enabled me to open my heart, love more freely and to see and follow my vision for myself. one of the things i find really special about HON is that graduates of the workshop are entitled to come back and assist for the students. Assistants typically out number students and are available for food prep, childcare, to bring tea or water, to listen�basically to create an environment where the students can focus on the workshop and themselves. it�s also a way to experience community; HON has been a mini community in the context of the larger LV community for almost 10 years (for the first 9 years it was called Naka-Ima which means �here, now� in Japanese, the name was recently changed to The Heart of Now.) i realize there are many avenues to personal growth, to clarifying one�s path, to finding ways to be present and fulfilled in our lives, so i don�t expect you all to be interested, but i felt really excited to tell you what i have been up to. This is one way to grow in a supportive environment and learn things that one can take back into their daily lives. i recently got offered a � time position in the office and i am so thrilled. i really feel like i have finally found a job that feels in line with what i am called to do on this planet. i am so grateful for all the forces that helped me get here and helped me stay that first 3 weeks so that i could experience where i am today. we run the program on a donation basis, which really makes it a gift of love. you can contact me if you want to know more, or you can contact Lost Valley directly.

So what is Lost Valley? Lost Valley Educational Center is a non-profit organization and intentional community nestled on 87 acres of meadow and forest just outside of Dexter, which is 18 miles from Eugene, Oregon. There are approximately 20 members, (4 of whom are children) and currently about 7 interns. Because HON is centered here, the personal communication is excellent. There is an expectation here for honesty and for working things out. If 2 people have trouble and cant work it out on their own, there are a lot of good resources on the land for sitting down with a third person. not everyone here is personal friends with everyone else, but there is a lot of good communication, respect and love. the meetings are held lovingly by all and we have time�we make time�for feelings as well as business. in fact, every other week is a business meeting (purpose circle) and on the other weeks we hold what we call a well being meeting. in this meeting, we have a chance to address our emotional well being by talking honestly with each other about how we are or by following exercises designed to further emotional growth and understanding or exercises to help us become clearer on our personal vision for ourselves. concepts such as breathing, self-love, letting go of attachments are freely used. the meetings here are a joy to participate in. ming san�s presence in our lives has enabled us both to attend purpose circle because he routinely does the childcare for us (for well being everyone does childcare: 6 or so volunteers each take a 20 minute shift while the kids all get to watch a movie). besides being an incredible source of love and personal support for me, ming san has made it possible for me to do many projects on the land including connect with people at the very beginning (by doing childcare) which really made it possible for me to choose to stay. What a gift! Lost Valley is being really incredible for me. i love it here. i love the dark at night, the quiet, the incredible stars, the funny sweet chickens, the compost piles, the wild birds i am beginning to know, the year round creek, the serene woods, the alive people, who dare to give me direct feedback. i love the loving challenge i feel here to grow and change and choose love.

the kids are growing good here and i certainly have been entertaining the idea that they could grow up here. While Malachite still has aggressive bouts sometimes (which now concern a much larger group of people) he clearly is loving all the space 87 acres can offer. More than one person on the land has shared with us how special they think Kite is and how much they can feel his expansive, sweet heart. he loves being in childcare here, interacting extensively with Kai (our 6 year old upstairs neighbor) He is starting to be a real part of the HON community, interacting with the children and adults who come out regularly for the workshop. i have seem him come into greater maturity, it�s wonderful to see him growing so strong and sure of himself. our relationship has deepened and we share a special bond with much pleasure for both of us.

for RainErain, the transition is still in process. Rain feels sad about leaving Berkeley and seems to feel quite a bit of scarcity around time with me. Rain will often express resistance to me going to work or to me assisting in HON. We�ve had talks about how it�s fair that i help support the family; that Marty was unhappy working so hard at a job he didn�t love to support us. and that we agreed that i would work, too, so Marty could work less and do what he loves, too. sometimes Rain feels old enough to understand this, and other times it�s "you CAN'T go to work, you CAN'T". we�ve also seen a lot of regressive behavior: Rain want to be fed at every meal, and doesn�t want to walk, Rain would rather use the stroller or be carried. I am loving Rain and trying to accept all of this gently, knowing that it too, will pass. As i type this, Marc is visiting, and that seems to be making quite a difference. I think Rain especially missed Marc and robin, and this month both of them are coming for a visit!

My relationship with Marty continues to stay stable and loving. We don�t get enough time together (that part hasn�t changed!) and we continue to make periodic efforts to correct that. When we do make time for each other, it�s even more connected, fun and richer.

my relationship with ming san has been a delight; it has brought me so much joy. i still struggle with the idea that others are not accepting of us or of him, but when i just listen to my heart and my gut i feel a resounding affirmation of my time with him. we explore the path of the beloved, striving for a daily connection to divine will. i am so blessed the goddess has sent such a beautiful angel to me.

i have been so engaged here. there are so many wonderful project to hold and explore and play with. This week i choose from office work for HON, habitats for wild ones to build; trails to maintain; a chicken coop to muck out and wood that needs to be chainsawed and moved to the woodshed. (i love my chainsaw!) obviously, it wont all get done this week, but by and by it will. and really, friends, i am having the time of my life.

love and blessings to you all.